Comments
small project
"The Big Guy wants you to install FTTH to speed up prayers. How long will that take?"
faryl
4/15/2016 1:25:13 AM
User Rank Platinum
We already tried that!
Yes, He tried powering it off and rebooting it already!
faryl
4/15/2016 7:14:44 PM
User Rank Platinum
Hacking Heaven
No, I will not give you the password. Nice try, but you can't social engineer your way into heaven.
faryl
4/15/2016 7:29:39 PM
User Rank Platinum
All Those Times Paid Off
We can overlook a few sins. Answering all your relatives' computer questions and setting up their printers proves you already have the patience of a saint. You're in!
NewIPLiz
4/14/2016 4:23:54 PM
User Rank Platinum
Missed your time slot
You said you'd be here between 3 and 5pm!
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 6:56:02 PM
User Rank Platinum
Stuck In Limbo...
I'm sorry, our computers are down at the moment.. and due to new security measures, we can't let you in to fix them BEFORE you're registered in our database.
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:52:32 PM
User Rank Platinum
captions..
Yes, that guy I just let in is Bill Gates. People keep asking me how he got in, and I keep telling them that it's really not that hard for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle....
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:55:02 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions..
It says here that you used to unlock iPhones for the government, too. I'll have to double-check with the Big Guy to see if that's going to count for or against you.
mhhf1ve
4/14/2016 7:59:41 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions..
Everyone in heaven uses Apple products, but we let in PC tech support guys like yourself because a lot of the folks in here remember what you did for them during Life.
afwriter
4/14/2016 10:26:20 PM
User Rank Platinum
Mix Up
There must have been a mix up; you want the basement level.
vnewman
4/15/2016 12:21:04 AM
User Rank Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"Sorry, but you're not in the system."
vnewman
4/15/2016 11:46:40 AM
User Rank Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"Nice try, but everyone knows you're the devil in disguise."
vnewman
4/15/2016 11:50:10 AM
User Rank Platinum
Re: Mix Up
"May I have your ticket number, please?"
afwriter
4/14/2016 10:30:10 PM
User Rank Platinum
Gaming God
Good, you're here. Our game of Civilizations has been lagging...
Excited
"We've never had one of your kind up here before!"
Migration
"We're trying to move all our systems into the cloud."
The Literal
"I'm having computer trouble."
The Play on Words
"I keep getting the Sky-Blue Screen of Death."
Ariella
4/15/2016 9:32:28 AM
User Rank Author
Re: The Play on Words
<"I keep getting the Sky-Blue Screen of Death."> I like that one @Joe.
mpouraryan
4/15/2016 2:33:16 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: The Play on Words
As I hope MSFT changes its' "blue screen" to something else (someday) :)), all have been kind of cute...here is my humble contribution: "...no need to be worried anymore..."
JohnBarnes
4/15/2016 7:48:24 AM
User Rank Platinum
Because you were bad, so they sent you to the place where everything works.
Your colleagues, who were good, get to spend eternity messing around while users sob and wail helplessly.
elizabethv
4/15/2016 8:25:34 AM
User Rank Platinum
Mailer Daemon
I was trying this new mailing list out and we keep getting mailer daemons..... I'm sure you can understand, we just can't have that kind of thing up here. If the press gets news of this.... I'm sure you'll be discreet? Yes?
dmendyk
4/15/2016 11:47:47 AM
User Rank Platinum
tech talk
Who's the moron NOW?
Michelle
4/15/2016 12:23:33 PM
User Rank Platinum
Accidental gig
"Whoa, you got here fast."
Michelle
4/15/2016 2:21:40 PM
User Rank Platinum
The Upgrade
"Our legacy systems are a couple thousand years old."
Self Containment
"You're actually in Hell, but your soul is running on a virtualized instance."
The Post-Mortem. (Pun acknowledged.)
"You died after tripping over all those long cables you left dangling by the servers."
Ariella
4/15/2016 4:12:54 PM
User Rank Author
Re: The Post-Mortem. (Pun acknowledged.)
<"You died after tripping over all those long cables you left dangling by the servers."> karma perfection.
mhhf1ve
4/15/2016 3:41:33 PM
User Rank Platinum
captions
"Our cloud servers are pretty reliable. But we get a lot of hackers trying to break in from the OTHER place..."
The Revelation
"Sorry; we only use Macs."
The Wait
"We're still using dial-up until Google Fiber gets around to us."
The Authentication
"What's your mother's maiden name?"
The Misunderstanding
"Oh! DevOps! I thought you said something else."
The Semi-Obscure Reference
"Nobody knows you're a god on the Internet."
The Post-Mortem Redux
"You suffered a fatal error."
The Post-Mortem Redux Redux
"Your earthly connection timed out."
The Search
"We need someone who understands Hecks-adecimal."
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:50:13 PM
User Rank Platinum
TT Caption
"What's your password?"
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:51:33 PM
User Rank Platinum
TT Caption
"Sorry, you are timed out - please reset and try again later"
DHagar
4/15/2016 8:52:41 PM
User Rank Platinum
TT Caption
"Sorry, we are signed up for Remote Support"
JohnBarnes
4/15/2016 10:30:33 PM
User Rank Platinum
Because your strangely shaped head is not scheduled for upgrade until Humanity 17.3 ships in 2017, that's why!
And if you jailbreak your appearance to acquire a head produced by some other deity, it will void the warranty.
The least you can do, buster, is appreciate the irony.
The Error Message
"ANTARCTIC.EXE keeps freezing up."
The Incompatibility
"We've been having nothing but problems since Eve started using an Apple."
The Alternate Explanation
"Happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be?"
The Statistic
"Cisco says we should expect 50 billion connected souls by 2020."
The Karmic FUD
"Nobody ever got into Heaven for buying IBM equipment."
The Irony
"We're vendor agnostic."
The Data Breach
"The spyware we installed on your system gives us a pretty clear picture of your sins."
The Outsourcing
"Hell sent you to us for your eternal punishment. Nobody here knows how to check their email."
The H(eaven)-1B Visa
"Turns out we don't have room for you. It was cheaper to admit six candidates from Purgatory."
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:41:17 PM
User Rank Platinum
captions...
"The St. Pater gateway app isn't working.. it denied knowing the Boss's son three times and it's going to erase everything after 10 tries."
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:51:06 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions...
"If you ask me if I've tried restarting this computer one more time, I'm going to send you to the other place!"
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 7:56:07 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions...
The "blue screen of death" doesn't happen here, but we still need to force quit some daemons from time to time.
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 8:08:36 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions...
"The Devil has been trying to install malware on this computer for ages... but what he doesn't know is no one uses this computer for anything important. Everyone uses iPads now."
mhhf1ve
4/16/2016 8:18:28 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: captions...
"When are you guys going to figure out that you can't use social engineering attacks on Heaven?"
JohnBarnes
4/16/2016 10:15:55 PM
User Rank Platinum
No, it's not your time yet. We're just seeing if turning you off and then back on will fix the problem.
It always straightens Lazarus right out when he starts running slow.
The Bad Command
"Soul not found. Abort, Retry, Fail?"
The Dismissal
"We've got a ransomware infection, but it's okay. Jesus saves."
Hell...
GO TO HELL...You are too late.
The Expenses
"Sorry, we don't pay per diem."
Ariella
4/25/2016 11:29:57 AM
User Rank Author
Re: The Expenses
Nice one @Joe. I didn't read through all, as there are nearly 70 up. Did anyone reference the cloud?
Re: The Expenses
@Ariella:
> Nice one @Joe. I didn't read through all, as there are nearly 70 up. Did anyone reference the cloud?
Yup! Here you go: LINK
Ariella
4/25/2016 5:18:13 PM
User Rank Author
Re: The Expenses
Thanks @Joe.
Another possibility: we'll keep your cloud going, no matter how far we have to go to fix it.
freehe
4/26/2016 5:08:44 PM
User Rank Platinum
Heaven 2.0
Boy am I glad to see you! Our servers are down and we have been flooded with people not on our list and it is reaking havoc on our angels.
freehe
4/26/2016 5:10:42 PM
User Rank Platinum
Formerly Known As Heaven
We've been waiting all day for you guys. Our servers are corrupted. Some people got in the back door and we need to send them back.
The Warning
"Be careful. 'Downtime' means something very different here."
mpouraryan
4/24/2016 8:03:43 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: The Warning
As I read thru all the submission, all I could say is that I don't envy mike's role--they're all quite cute!!! If only mine was as cute and creative
Vote!
@mpouraryan, You've had some good ones! Vote for your favorite so I don't have to decide the top caption. Thanks!
mpouraryan
4/25/2016 12:46:48 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: Vote!
Will Do Sir--have to put a lot of thought to it--although in this day and age of transformation, it seems as if "thinking things through" is out of fashion. :))
Heaven will be Hell soon...
Heaven will be Hell soon if not this is fixed...
Payment
You came to collect your payment???? Look what you did to this place???
Firewall
Did you mess up the firewall while supporting remotely? Folks are out of control and crossing boundaries between Heaven and Hell.
Infected
Why did you use infected software while applying that patch? Now the whole heaven is infected. You better fix things soon......
The Wrong Floor
"The firewall is downstairs."
Cloud..
What....Is the Cloud messed up?? How could you let that happen...Grrrrrrrrr
Security
What....Is this due to that Private Cloud's security mess? I told your company that Security is really crucial for us here at Heaven. For that we dismiss your company from Heaven's vendor contract relationship.
Data File Swap
Hey @Support Guy: Why did you guys swap the data file with Hell's version during transmission? I see folks swapping between Heaven and Hell automatically, going all over. It is crazy..Can we do Ctrl + Alt + Del to stop this ???????????????
Security Layer
Why did you disable the security? Folks started walking in and out crazy.
Smart Badges
Smart Badges stopped working, Fix Fix Fiz.....
The Notation Conversion
"In binary, I guess you'd call it the Holy Undenity."
China ???
Is this China again..Cyber Attack????
You broke it
You broke it all, even Ctrl + Alt + Del isn't working. The previous support company was much better. Everything used to get fixed by the magic key Ctrl + Alt + Del.
Encryption
If you can't encrypt the security key, Can we hire that company that decrypted iPhone's key?
The Alternative Post-Mortem
"Your family tried unplugging you and plugging you back in to see if you got better. You didn't."
The Incredulity
"What do you mean, you want to reboot?!"
Re: The Incredulity
Great posts! But no votes for first place so far.
elizabethv
4/26/2016 7:28:22 AM
User Rank Platinum
My vote.....
I think the new voting idea is a good one!
I'm sorry, our computers are down at the moment.. and due to new security measures, we can't let you in to fix them BEFORE you're registered in our database.
My Vote
Here is my vote:
Joe Stanganelli
The Warning
"Be careful. 'Downtime' means something very different here."
Cyber Wall
Where is the CYBER WALL???
April 2016 cartoon caption contest
We are not looking for a Plumbing Contractor!
Michelle
4/26/2016 2:18:56 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: Caption Vote
Thanks for the votes so far! I like that Michelle included a link.
freehe
4/26/2016 5:14:10 PM
User Rank Platinum
Temporarily Closed for Maintenance
What took you so long? Our line is wrapped around the tree of life.
freehe
4/26/2016 5:22:26 PM
User Rank Platinum
Our Systems Are Down
We've been hacked, we think it's the group anonymous but we're not certain. We have a backlog our data centers servers are down.
The Now What
"My computer died."
The Well-There's-Your-Problem
"Our servers in the basement keep overheating."
Michelle
4/27/2016 1:55:19 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: The Well-There's-Your-Problem
Good one! Too bad I already voted...
Contingency
MMaaannn...Where is your contingency action? Would you be able to apply disaster recovery approach now?
GPS
Is that your GPS that took you sooo looooong?
The Task
"We need you to get started on fixing the Y10k bug."
The Long Trip
"Never mind. Turns out I forgot to plug it in."
The Programmer Dad Joke
"Welcome to the Strawberry Perly gates."
The Bad Gateway
"What do you mean, Error 502???"
voting
Wow, 104 comments! I don't see many votes. I hope we don't end up with a three-way tie for first with one vote each. Thanks, contest ends at midnight tomorrow and keep in mind the board is set to eastern time zone. Thanks
dcawrey
4/29/2016 4:42:32 PM
User Rank Platinum
Re: voting
"It's pretty bad up here. We're still trying to get off Windows XP."
Offshore
It's going to be complete disaster by the time your offshore support team gets on the job !!!!
Hika Virus
Is this HIKA virus ... a heavenly version of Zika???
The Cloud Gateway
"Stand by while I convert your protocol."
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